Monday, April 22, 2024

Kenyan ‘Jesus’ runs for his life as locals plot Easter Crucifixion

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As Easter celebrations kick off, one man is getting into the holiday spirit in an unexpected way. Eliud Simiyu, a self-proclaimed ‘Messiah’, has taken up residence in the local police station, reportedly fearing for his life as rumours circulate that locals are planning to give him the ultimate Easter surprise – a crucifixion. It seems that the town’s residents are not quite convinced by his claims of divine authority, and are eager to put his alleged powers to the test. Whether or not Eliud will rise from the dead like his namesake remains to be seen.

In a small Kenyan town, a man who claims to be Jesus Christ has found himself in hot water. No, not the holy water kind, the “I need to run for my life” kind! That’s right, folks. Eliud Simiyu, also known as “Jesus of Tongeren,” has reportedly fled to the nearest police station after hearing that some locals want to crucify him on Easter.

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It’s not every day that we hear of someone claiming to be the son of God, and it’s even rarer that we see such a person running for their life. But such is the case in Tongeren, where tensions are high and the fate of Simiyu is uncertain.

Simiyu’s followers have rallied around him, insisting that he is the real deal and that he will rise again on the third day. But the naysayers are having none of it. They have accused him of being a charlatan, a fraud, and a danger to society.

In an interview with local news, Simiyu denied the allegations, saying, “I am not a false prophet. I am the real Jesus Christ, and I am here to save the world.”

But don’t worry, folks. According to social media, if he really is the Messiah, he’ll be back in three days. It’s like a religious game of hide and seek!

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Meanwhile, social media users have been having a field day with the news. One person tweeted, “If Jesus was a Kenyan, would he turn water into tea?” Another joked, “I hear they’re going to serve tea and biscuits at the crucifixion. It’s going to be a real cross-over event. Another added, “If he’s really the Messiah, then he shouldn’t be afraid of a little crucifixion. It’s just a test of faith!”

As of now, it remains to be seen whether Simiyu will be able to convince the locals of his divine status and avoid a painful fate on the cross. But one thing’s for sure: this Easter is shaping up to be a real nail-biter!

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