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By Sana Sarr
Moses: My dearest anointed one, oh ye Pious and Most Humble Mother of the Nation, you know that I can’t do anything without your wise counsel. I have been advised that the Castle has finally been sanitized and I need to move in. My Good Godfather Gambela, had advised me against moving in there after it became vacant last January.
You know i never wanna defy my Good Godfather Gambela, but my Mentor Makie in Dakar tells me i need to man up and move into the Castle or the presidents won’t stop calling me an Accidental President. I hate that name but all the neighborhood presidents tease me about it at the AU playground. It makes me sad but i can’t challenge them to a wrestling match to punish them, so i just curl up in a corner and cry.
I have performed all the rituals prescribed by my mouride marabouts.
- To ensure i get what’s rightfully mine, I made sure the anointed one, you, were appointed to your birthright position of VP(ByForce) before your 57th birthday
- To win the affection of the masses and to sow my royal oats, I performed all the recommended mosque-hopping by praying at 57 different mosques and shaking 57 thousand hands in less than 57 Fridays.
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- To buy the integrity of the legislators, I sacrificed the recommended 57 vehicles(Shoutout to me Anonymous Friend), unlike the Can-He-Lie Monster who, despite having access to Allah’s bank, only sacrificed cows before he became the Malabo Mouse.
- To drive out the demons left in the Castle by the Can-He-Lie Monster, I got 57 Anonymous Pissers to urinate in cups, which we then mixed in the paint we used to repaint the Castle. (I learned that one from our mango-stealing days as children. It broke all the mankanis.)
You see, my honorable Mother of the Nation, I have done everything asked of me but Good Godfather Gambela still insists that i should not move in. Now he just tells me that this is a “kebba maafoo / ndabi kilifah” and I need to stay away from it to avoid getting cursed like the Malabo Mouse. I don’t fully understand what he means but it must be so if my Good Godfather Gambela says it. I am tired of being teased by all the other presidents at the playground. I wanna show them that I am no longer scared of the Can-He-Lie Monster since he became the Malabo Mouse.
I am so confused that I almost believed Mr. Bahh(oot), the Babbling Buffoon in Blue, when he suggested to me that my Good Godfather Gambela just wants to reserve the Castle for himself. I immediately got up and prayed 57 rakas in repentance for even having entertained the idea for all of 57 seconds. I would have believed it about Dinding Mansa – he really seemed overly ambitious that one, but not my Good Godfather Gambela. He only has my best interest at heart and I should never forget that.
Mother VP (ByForce): A-ouzu billahi minashaitani rajeem…wa salaatu wa salaamu alaa saidinaa wa nabiyunaa wa mawlaanaa. Bismilaahi Rahmaani Raheem…Come here, Moses, my boy. I am glad you have not forgotten all I have done for you and this nation. You are so special because you remember the dark ages when the “Can-He-Lie Monster” terrorized the entire nation and grown men cowered in fear, I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, feared no evil, united all the confused souls and chose a clueless kid to lead us out of the desert. I’m still not sure why Good Godfather Gambela did not announce my nickname, Wonder Woman, when announced you as Moses, but that’s a discussion for another day. For today, let us focus on solving your dilemma, because you know very well that everything i do is for others and never about myself. As i was saying, i am glad you remember my rare but precious wisdom despite how well i try to mask it with my piousness and humility, Alhamdulillah.
See, Moses, you need to make the most of opportunities while you still have them. Learn from this fountain of humility and emulate my fearless persistence. The haters tried everything to stop me from claiming my prize despite all my unmeasurable contribution to saving the nation. Some suggested that Good Godfather Gambela should sit in my anointed throne, which you and I already know came with a cornet and not a crown. Some disputed my age to stop me from playing for the Under-57 national football team. Even the GOAT tried his best trick of throwing the constitution at me. But did any of that stop me, my dear boy? Laa! No weapon fashioned against me shall prosper! Haters gonna hate, son. You just need the right people by your side. Masha Allah, lucky for you, you have someone as pious, wise and humble as me to guide you. I give you my blessing to move into the Castle. In-cha-Allah, all shall be well. Just wait until Good Godfather Gambela travels out of the country and move in before he returns.
Moses: Thank you, my …
Just then, the phone rang. It was the Good Godfather Gambela on the line… Anas – November, 2017
Credit to Eden Sharp for the names “Gambela” and “GOAT”
